The MAML Gazette
All the mauling that's fit to print
HUMANS OFF TO A STRONG START IN SPIKE! MAGAZINE TROPHY
DARK ELVES AND LIZARDMEN FOUND TO BE CHEATS
Contributor Todaari reports that dark elves and lizardmen have been found to be cheats by both league and Old World officials.
"Frankly, I was shocked.", said Todaari. "Everyone knew they were cheats on the pitch but who knew they also cheated on their taxes?"
This news comes at a bad time for dark elves and lizardmen as they are currently at the top of their respective divisions.
"They also cheat their children at Go Fish. I mean, who does that? It's just ridiculous."
Hopefully this controversy doesn't negatively impact the play of the dark elf and lizardman teams in the Spike! Magazine Trophy. We'll just have to wait and see!
Human blitzer, HDR10, deliberately dies at the hands of the wraith, Rache, because he was tired of being so overwhelmingly awesome.
HUMANS MATHEMATICALLY DOING GREAT
Humans are in a strong mathematical position going in to week three, says Gazette contributor EvaUnit02. "If we feed the question, 'Will humans make the cut to top 8?' in to a computer, it is clear that the answer is yes."
"The combined human record so far is 0-1-5.", said EvaUnit02. "This may seem grim, but it's really not. Here's why."
"If we convert the draws and losses in to binary and then sum the two numbers together, we get 110. But, as we all know, computers operate on full bytes. So, the number really should be 00000110. Then, if we XOR that number, we get 11111001. If we convert that to hexadecimal, we get F9."
"Now, F9 was the name of the 9th Fast and Furious movie which grossed $726 million world-wide. If we take 726 and convert that from decimal to hexadecimal, we get 2d6, which as we all know, is what every Blood Bowl coach is trying to roll on their blocks, on average."
"The average roll on 2d6 is 7 which, when we convert to binary, is 111. If we use 1 to represent 'true' and 0 to represent 'false', as computers often do, then this result can be restated as 'nothing but true.' So, as you can see, it is a mathematical impossibility that humans don't make the cut."
Computers really are a modern wonder!
HUMANS NATURALLY SMELL THE BEST IN THE OLD WORLD, STUDIES SAY
Gazette contributor SBever has just finished a study which shows that humans are the best smelling Blood Bowl players in the Old World.
"100% of coaches polled agreed that humans smell wonderful and every other player is incredibly smelly.", said SBever. "This was a thorough triple-blind study with a control group. So, it's pretty clear evidence that all other players don't shower."
We asked SBever how they are able to confidently equate the smell to a lack of showering. "It's obvious because of how stupid they all are."
Skeptical about the accusation of low intelligence and how that relates to the study, we asked SBever to provide details as to how the study was conducted.
"Look...how we polled, how many coaches we polled, who we polled...what's the difference? It was science. The science clearly shows that they are smelly and stupid and dress poorly."
The Gazette tried to investigate further but were instructed to stop by a particular league commissioner.